|
|
It's not like I want to show off. It's just that I didn't want you to go away thinking that my Muse is utterly obsessed by the feeble exploits of the Oracle's lamest priest. Well, not utterly to the exclusion of all else. Well, not utterly to the exclusion of all else all the time, anyway. Okay, I admit the "Oracular Priest Disrobed" item in last February's issue of Playmuse magazine had her going some, but those photos of Zadoc and the pogo stick were strictly artistic and in the best possible taste. Really. You can believe me, I'm an incarnation.
| I. | Best of the Best | (Scored 3.9 or better) | ||
| II. | Best of the Rest | (Scored 3.6 to 3.8) | ||
| III. | Best of the Abject Failures | (Unselected; scored zip) | ||
| IV. | Verse Is Worse | (Answers in rhyme) |
| Digest/Score: | |||
| 1. | Stereoscopic Censorship | #833-06 (4.0) | |
| 2. | Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam | #840-05 (4.3) | |
| 3. | A Few of My Least Favourite Things | #846-04 (3.9) | |
| 4. | Advanced Incarnations Class | #851-02 (4.0) | |
| 5. | Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence | #1072-05 (3.9) | |
| 6. | Groundhog Day | #1075-10 (4.3) | |
| 7. | X or Y | #1085-08 (4.0) | |
| 8. | Paradox Police, Arrest This Man | #1089-03 (4.0) | |
| 9. | On the Tenth Plague of Egypt | #1135-10 (4.3) |
1.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> I need your help . I'm > new to the Internet , > and have never used the > Oracle before; I know > how easy it is to fake > e-mail messages, and I > was afraid I'd get a > reply from some phony . > > The recent government > attempts at taking > over the net, and > control ling what we > see, hear and think, > smacks of McCarthyism > to me, and looks like > a threat to free speech > in cyberspace . > > Is this true , Oracle? > Will future generations > say that we held on to > decency, but gave up > liberty? Or by then > will it be too late? > Will there be n o one > who understands what > liberty means a nymore? > > I get cross-eyed just > thinking about it. |
I need your help. I'm new to the Internet, and have never used the Oracle before; I know how easy it is to fake e-mail messages, and I was afraid I'd get a reply from some phony. The recent government attempts at taking over the net, and controlling what we see, hear and think, smacks of McCarthyism to me, and looks like a threat to free speech in cyberspace. Is this true, Oracle? Will future generations say that we held on to decency, but gave up liberty? Or by then will it be too late? Will there be no one who understand s what liberty means anymore? I get cross-eyed just thinking about it. |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
Dear supplicant, in view of you unfortunate eye condition, I shall also write stereoscopically. |
Dear supplicant, in view of you unfortunate eye condition, I shall also write stereoscopically. |
|
I know, I know, this Net.indecency hysteria we're currently having to endure is a pain in the butt, isn't it? Jesus, there's always been porn on the Net, just like there has in the real world. You want to see naked hooters? Just walk into any goddam newsagent. And how do you like the bloody nerve of one country thinking it can tell the rest of the world what it can and can't say in electronic communications? Can the frigging US government stop an Australian calling a New Zealander a sheepshagger if that's what he really wants to do? |
I know, I know, this Net.indecency hysteria we're currently having to endure is a pain in the behind, isn't it? Jeepers, there's always been naughtiness on the Net, just like there has in the real world. You want to see unclad chests? Just walk into any atheistic newsagent. And how do you like the sanguinary nerve of one country thinking it can tell the rest of the world what it can and can't say in electronic communications? Can the [expletive deleted] US government stop an Australian calling a New Zealander a sheepmolest^H ^H^H^H^H^Hworrier if that's what he really wants to do? |
|
Hey, you know there was even one of those cretinous parental control filters recently that blocked Socks's cruddy White House page for kids, because the smutty pussy used the word "couples" to describe people like Bill and Hillary? (Hah! As if Bill ever restricted his attentions to just a couple, eh?) This kind of crap will ensure that the whole thing sinks under a tidal wave of derision. Hell, your kids learn far ruder words than couples at school. Perhaps those geniuses in your idiotic Congress should legislate about what can be said in the playground, too. |
Hey, you know there was even one of those intellect- ually challenged parental control filters recently that blocked Socks's encrusted White House page for kids, because the unclean private parts used the word conjoins to describe people like the President and the First Lady? [generally suggestive parenthetic allegations deleted] This kind of number twos will ensure that the whole thing sinks under a tidal wave of derision. Heck^H^H^H^H Gosh, your kids learn far more impolite words than conjoins at school. Those geniuses in your wonderful Congress should legislate about what can be said in the playground, too. |
|
Still, I understand your fears about freedom of speech on the Net, and sympathise with them. As an immortal, however, I have the advantage of a long-term perspective, and so I can assure you that I've seen all this sort of thing before, and it all blows over in time. Repressive regimes rarely last more than a century, often much less. Those smegheads in Congress think they know what's good for you better than you do yourself. This is typical of the right- wing paternalism that grips the Republican party generally -- hence all the whining on about children, of course. They want to treat you all as children -- so much easier to control than adults. And what with the resurgence in religious fundamentalism as a backlash against the liberalism of the 60s and 70s, not to mention millennium fever, they now think they've got some sort of moral mandate for their heavy- handed tactics. |
Still, I understand your fears about freedom of speech on the Net, and sympathise with them. As an immortal, however, I have the advantage of a long-term perspective, and so I can assure you that your government is only thinking of your welfare. You must trust your government. Your government knows what is good for you. Those [term not in dictionary]s in Congress know that they are what is good for you. They love you. They want you to be happy. They don't want you to worry your head about matters you don't understand. But to do all this, they need your complete obedience. That's not too much to ask, is it? We can't have people rocking the boat. Not if we're to rebuild a law-abiding, God-fearing America from the ruins left by those pinko subversives of the 60s and 70s. You want your children to be safe. You want to be safe. You want us to look after you. You know you do. |
|
But bear up, supplicant. Things are not as bad as they could be. Okay, so we're undergoing a brief return to the days of McCarthyism. What you have to do is keep saying to yourself: "This country is still a democracy. Come the elections, I'll see who has my true interests at heart and vote accordingly." And they know it. In the end, it's you who controls them. Hang on to that thought -- you'll feel better for it. |
But we noticed that you used words like "McCarthyism" and "liberty" to imply that you were disapproving of your elected government's sterling efforts to protect you from yourself. You must guard against Unamerican thoughts like these. Keep saying to yourself over and over: "Every day in every way I am getting better, and more dutiful, and more trusting, and more obedient." You can do it. You will do it. And in the end, you'll feel better for it. Or else. |
|
As this is your first time, you don't owe the Oracle anything. Please feel free to call again anytime. |
As this is your first transgression, Big Brother forgives you. Next time it'll be a visit to the room full of rats, buddy. |
2.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > |
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| [deep breath in] |
| Colonel Mustard. First degree murder. In the billiards room. Eight minutes to midnight. Greed. With the lead piping. 500 grand. 10 grand. Hardly worth it for less. Sergeant Pepper. So what price love, peace and flower power now, eh? The Samaritans. Because they're a bunch of bleeding-heart lefties. In your case, because they were overcome by revulsion. Subtract the universe and everything and you're left with six. Everything. Omniscient. I mean I'm bloody clever. Because it's true. Self-infatuation. Complete lack of originality. It's rather distasteful. Physically impossible for humans. Yes. I've already said I wouldn't - are you deaf as well as stupid? Only if I wanted a dose of botulism. You're a born loser. They bought Windows95. "Why didn't we buy a Mac?" I knew I'd get away with it. Greed (see "Why?" above) or being born Bill Gates. Not with the lead piping anyway - far too messy. Only after the mating season is over. Nobody'd believe you. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Butter. No, it was just a cheap joke. I was with Lisa all night - she'll testify to it. Zeus Ammon. Superhuman. Anytime I dam' well please. Yes, but you need to change at Poughkeepsie. I'll need to check with Lisa. Eight minutes to midnight. Preferably after you've left. A naughty frog. What's green sits in the corner? Thank you. A Mickey Mouse watch. $4.99 at K-Mart. Tell the time sporadically. You gave it to me. The little hand tells the hours and the big hand tells the minutes. Because you just gave it to me - are you paying attention or not? Because it sucks. I've changed my mind. It's too good for you. One of us does. Well done, you got it in one. No, you need several. Brain cells. A personality transplant. The Samaritans. A blow-up Gillian Anderson doll. Gillian Anderson. Nope. Mmmm... still nope. Now what would the Samaritans want with a blow-up Gillian Anderson doll? A Barbie doll. No - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct (I've tried). Ken and Barbie's snotty little sister Skipper. They'll do anything for a fiver, that pair. Actually, no - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct. Even those two draw the line somewhere. No - Barbie dolls aren't... ahh, forget it. An unfortunate conjunction of genes. Just dandy, thank you. Colonel Mustard. He bought his commission. Guilty as charged. In the bedroom. It's her time of the month. As often as possible. Carmelite nuns as a rule don't. With me they would. Because you're a very sad little man. With me they might. Perhaps if they'd been recently bobbited. Toad in the hole. Because you didn't finish it last time. How else are we going to get rid of all these dam' toads? Because I didn't make you any. Oh, alright then. You can have it well BSE'd for all I care. The sooner the better. I can go anywhere I dam' well please. If you drug and bind me first. If I drugged and bound me first. No. You don't have a car. I don't have a car either. This carpooling business is becoming something of an obsession with you, isn't it? I often ask myself that question. The Pythia, the Vestal Virgins, John the Baptist, the Dalai Lama... you know, the usual crowd. You haven't asked me the woodchuck question yet. It's a matter of principle. Oh, alright then - it's really a matter of small, irritating furry animals that really ask for it. |
| [GASP! pant, pant, pant - another deep breath in] |
| Never felt better. Decidedly. No, it's inherited. Deadly. Deadly. Look, if you're going to start asking for second opinions then I'm not talking to you anymore. I think you think you're joking, but I know better. No. You're developing a stammer. Believe me, it can be worse. Evidently, you're one of the few people on the planet not to have dated Lisa, if you have to ask. No, actually that makes me feel really good. I see you've returned to the subject of Gillian Anderson dolls. Lisa's time of the month. Lisa would kill me. Put like that, I don't like the odds. Mail order catalog. Aha, so this is what you've been leading up to all along, is it? One's not enough now, eh? No, I told you, you're a born loser. Read - my - lips! Be reincarnated as Andre Agassi. Because you haven't even died yet. My god - you really are Andre Agassi! It's that hamstring injury playing up again. No, I was just kidding - you're not really Andre Agassi. Every time. Easy as falling off a log. Remember all those Gillian Anderson dolls I just bought you? Six-love, six-love, six-love. Not in the general scheme of things. Not to me it doesn't. Yes, if you had been Andre Agassi, or even Pete Sampras. Aha, I see you've finally got to the root of the problem. Can you really picture four years of Bob Dole as president? Can you really picture another four years of Bill Clinton as president? Primeval sludge. Your parents omitted to tell you about the birds and the bees then? Nowhere fast. Hell in a handbasket. Sure as god made little green apples. Any minute now. No, I was kidding - sometime in the next three millennia. Because of the fall of Communism. I keep wondering that. Because I haven't ZOTted you yet. Probably not. Watch me. I wouldn't advise you to try. About as effectively as a hedgehog could stop a juggernaut. Come to think of it, please try. Probably. Only if they can get the gloves to fit. He's hoping that if he stays in the public eye long enough he'll get a date with Princess Di. The mating season isn't over yet. Lack of judgement. Lack of ability. Clumsily. Utter and complete lack of judgement. Follow the instructions in my step-by-step guide, which can be purchased at any good bookstore for a mere $34.99. You're gullible enough. The instructions are designed to be comprehensible to a mildly retarded Neanderthal. Because I told you to. Because the last thing you want to do is get on my wrong side. Pay you??? You blackmailer - just because I haven't managed to sell one yet! Alright - $34.99. I can't find my wallet. Drat, I remember now - I gave it to Lisa. Your life's savings. $34.99. Yes. Past experience suggests not. "It's highway robbery." Not if I was within earshot. Not if I was within earshot. Not if I... are you going deaf again? No - what you do with your Gillian Anderson dolls is strictly your own business. You don't have to - I already know, you dirty little beggar. Definitely not a Gillian Anderson doll - try a selection of midwestern roadkill instead. Looks like your roadkill was a bit too fresh. |
| [WHEW! pant, pant, pant] |
| Hah! Didn't think I had it in me, eh? Never doubt a deity, supplicant! |
| Hang on a minute. One, two, three... I missed one! Oh yes, here it is. I didn't answer the "What the hell?" at the end. Ah well, you were anticipating the answer to that one all along anyway, weren't you? |
| > > ZOT < < |
| So now you also know how spam's made. |
3.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> You know what I hate? > > RICH PRICKS |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| As a matter of fact, I did know that. That's my job. |
| You're new to this, aren't you? Well, this is how it works: you ask the questions, and I supply the answers. Think you can manage that? Let's try it then. |
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
| > You know what I hate? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| Corduroy pants. Body piercing. Boyzone. Dirty fingernails. People telling you to have a nice day. People telling you to "Enjoy!" their Web site. People starving in a world of plenty. White shirts with little thin pink stripes. Cars with "Colonel Bogey" horns. Garfields stuck to car side windows. Bumper stickers detailing their son's college grades. Phone-in help desks. Voice mail. On-hold music. "Funny" ansaphone messages. In fact, almost anything associated with telephones. Sun-dried tomatoes. Monosyllabic supplicants. "Me too!" posters. Little yappy dogs that have to be carried everywhere. Jim Carrey. White socks. Bugs Bunny socks. Musical socks. ESPECIALLY musical socks. Men with hairy toes wearing sandals and no socks. Thermal cups at service plazas. People who drive pickup trucks when they don't have to. Beavis and Butthead. Charles and Di. Micro$oft's imminent conquest of the Net. Cascades. Jim Carrey. The way how, when people arrange the snacks for a party, they always mix the cheese-and-onion potato chips in with the salt-and-vinegar ones. Smurfs. Barbershop choirs. The thought of Nicole Kidman playing Mrs. Peel in the film of "The Avengers". Supplicants who don't grovel. Supplicants who ask the w**dch*ck question. Supplicants who don't grovel AND ask the w**dch*ck question. The word "Jurassic" used to describe anything other than the middle bit of the Mesozoic Era. The word "loser" spelled "looser" (it should, of course, be spelled "AOLuser"). Jerry Adams. Newt Gingrich. Baseball caps worn the wrong way round. Joggers. Skateboarders. Roller bladers. In fact, anybody with little wheels attached to their feet. Fat women in leggings. Fat men in Bermuda shorts. Thin men in Bermuda shorts. JuVeNiLeS wHo ThInK wRiTiNg In AlTeRnAtInG cApS iS cOoL. The Taster's Choice/Gold Blend couple. Bras that pull your breasts up under your armpits. Any and all references to "Mission Impossible". Any and all references to "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". This terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. Those watches that double as calculators, address books and nuclear magnetic resonance spectrographs and spend all the time beeping as their owners play with them. Jim Carrey. |
| Hang on a minute - this is a list of what I hate! See what you've done, you've got me all confused! Let's try it one more time. |
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
| > You know what I hate? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| RICH PRICKS! |
| You owe the Oracle an end to this feud between you and Mr. Pricks. |
4.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
| > Who are Daniel Thurner |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| Oracle: | Good morning ladies, gentlemen, Kevin. Welcome to the Advanced Oracularities module. As I'm sure you are all aware, there are no course credits to be gained here - I hope to change that next year - but when I've finished with you, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you form the vanguard of a new, trained cadre of incarnations who will not only raise the standard of oracular responses generally - and let's face it, it's in dire need of raising at the moment - but are also guaranteed to get into the digests virtually every time their fingers touch the keyboard. |
| Now I'm sure you all know me - I'm the Internet Oracle. I'll be taking you through the finer points of providing sensational responses to every question the great unwashed out there in cyberspace can throw at you, from the sublime to the ridiculous, as well as how to deal with spams, woodchucks, lemurs, B1FF, Zadoc the Priest, and a host of other unsavory intrusions. You'll be shown how to construct biblical and Buddhist oracularities and top ten lists. You'll learn the relative merits of prose and verse responses, and how to squeeze the last creative drop out of Star Trek TNG, the X-Files and the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy. You'll also find out why Beavis and Butthead should be avoided at all times (if you didn't already know). Finally at the end of the semester, as a special treat, there will be a practical ZOTting session which I guarantee will make Quake look sissy in comparison. | |
| So, any questions at this stage? Fine. In that case, I thought we'd kick off with a typically obscure question selected from this morning's email bag. See what you make of this: | |
| > Who are Daniel Thurner | |
| Any suggestions as to how to answer this? | |
| Kevin: | ZOT the little turd for not grovelling! |
| Oracle: | Thank you, Kevin, but you hardly need to be an advanced incarnation to come up with that one. Anyone else have an idea? No? Well, what's the first step you would take? |
| Megan: | Uh... find out who Daniel Thurner is? |
| Oracle: | Excellent! A sound first move. And how do we do that? |
| Megan: | Alta Vista? |
| Oracle: | Precisely! Use the Net to help you - that's good thinking. Please try it on your terminal. |
| Megan: | Daniel Thurner returns no hits. |
| Chelsea: | Could it be a typo? Daniel Turner seems a more probable name. |
| Oracle: | Good, good. Megan? |
| Megan: | Lots of Daniel Turners. Hmm... none of them seems very famous, though. |
| Oracle: | Looks like this was a false lead then. Can anyone tell me what was wrong with Megan's approach? No? Was she trying to answer the right question? |
| Travis: | She's trying to find out who Daniel Thurner is. But the question asks "Who are Daniel Thurner." |
| Oracle: | Brilliant! I am impressed. Remember this - as an advanced incarnation you must pay strict attention to the precise wording of the question. Otherwise you can end up falling into all kinds of semantic traps and wind up looking rather less than omniscient. So, "who are Daniel Thurner?" What does this question mean? |
| Josh: | That the supplicant is a moron who can't spell or construct a grammatical sentence? |
| Oracle: | Most of them are. Or else? |
| Megan: | This Daniel Thurner suffers from multiple personality disorder? |
| Travis: | Or he has a doppelganger. |
| Melanie: | How about - Daniel Thurner is really a colonial alien lifeform come to conquer the Earth? |
| Oracle: | Those are all interesting possibilities. There's certainly a lot of scope for imaginative responses here then. What's another approach? Come on - what else could the message be? |
| Josh: | Some sort of code? |
| Oracle: | Right - a code! What sort? |
| Josh: | ROT13? |
| Oracle: | I hardly think so. |
| Kevin: | ROT12! |
| Oracle: | No... |
| Kevin: | ROT11! |
| Oracle: | Thank you, Kevin. I think we've exhausted that particular line of inquiry. |
| Kevin: | I still think you should ZOT the little turd for not grovelling. |
| Megan: | An anagram! |
| Oracle: | Aha! |
| Megan: | Of, er, "lurid earthenware hon." |
| Melanie: | "Hornier adults whine!" |
| Chelsea: | "Worn ariel headhunter!" |
| Alan: | "Loh, Newt insured hair!" |
| Oracle: | Alright, alright, thank you, that's enough. The purpose of this exercise was to demonstrate that even the most unpromising question that the barbarian hordes of AOL can hurl at you can be turned into an entertaining response if you just let your imagination roam a little. Don't react automatically. And never take a question too literally - otherwise you might as well be a walking encyclopedia. |
| Melanie: | But shouldn't we try to give the right answer? |
| Oracle: | Certainly, if at all possible. |
| Melanie: | So what's the right answer to this question? |
| Oracle: | Simplest thing in the world: |
| The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: |
|
| > Who are Daniel Thurner | |
| And in response, thus spake the Oracle: | |
| } } ZOT { { | |
| Look kids, I'm a very busy deity. I get in excess of 1500 questions pouring in every day, on top of taking these classes, giving leadership to the priesthood and having to help Lisa with the shopping. You really think I'm going to waste my valuable time, what little there is of it, trying to figure out the hidden meaning underlying every badly formulated piece of drivel that lands in my in-tray? Anyway, the little turd didn't grovel. | |
| Now, for the rest of this class, I'd like to turn to the really profound questions that you may find yourself confronted with. You know, like the meaning of life and death, the origin of the universe, and where all the ballpoint pens keep disappearing to. | |
| Kevin: | Ballpoint pens? Surely that's not profound! |
| Oracle: | You're not really cut out for this are you, Kevin? ...And don't call me Shirley. |
5.
(This is really Sages of the Ages IIb - see Abject Failures page. The supplicant has shamelessly ripped off my punchline. It's clear that the Internet is no longer the domain of gentlemen - Ed.)
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode, > > What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
THE INTERNET ORACLE GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH: |
|
|
Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
|
| Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount, apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything! | |
| Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there: with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension! Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry "uncle". | |
| You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level! | |
| Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys sink their fangs into your dialectics! | |
| To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This consists of four levels: | |
| 1. | Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the very start, claiming there are four material elements and two forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away. You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility, at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to convince you that everything is contained within everything else as a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles. |
| 2. | The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razor-wielding death-merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you believe him! |
| 3. | Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral, esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme caution. |
| 4. | Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're ready for the commercial game! |
| Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism. But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim." | |
| Like hell he does! | |
6.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
| > So, Orrie, what are your plans for February 2nd? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| Pretty much the same as usual. Here's my schedule for the day, if you must know: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You owe the Oracle, er... well, some wood, actually. Never you mind what I want it for. |
7.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
| > Which is worse? X or Y? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| Y, by a mile. Let's face it: |
|
| You owe the Oracle a Z chromosome. |
8.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> Heya, omniscient-type dude. > > I've chatting with your various incarnations, and yeah -- it's fun. But > sometimes... man, you get some idiots in there! How can I make sure the > person who gets my mail doesn't give me a serious answer? Oh, and it'd be > nice if they didn't quote back my question when they replied... > > So is there a secret code I can put in the Subject: line or something, to > make sure my question only gets to people who are at least semi-clueful? > Thanks, Orrie -- I knew I could count on you! |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| What's this? You want a serious answer to your question "How can I make sure I don't get a serious answer"? Are you trying to trap the Oracle, you creepy little supplicant person you? Well, I'll fix your little red wagon. | |
| ALARM! ALARM! Calling the Paradox Police! | |
| <stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp STOMP STOMP STOMP> PARADOX POLICE REPORTING, SAH! | |
| Oracle: | Thank you for coming so promptly. Now ... |
| Kurt: | Actually, we're not the Paradox Police and we're not reporting. |
| Wolfie: | But please bear in mind that my partner lies all the time. |
| Kurt: | I do not! |
| Wolfie: | Whereas I lie exactly 50% of the time. We are the Paradox Police, but we're not reporting. |
| Kurt: | Ah, but hang on, you just made three statements. If you lie exactly 50% of the time, one must be a half-truth. |
| Wolfie: | I did not make three statements. |
| Kurt: | Did too! |
| Wolfie: | Did not! You said I did, so I can't have done. |
| Kurt: | Bummer! Caught out again. |
| Oracle: | If I might interrupt this fascinating discourse ... |
| Kurt: | Wait, I've got it. You did say we weren't the Paradox Police, didn't you? |
| Wolfie: | Correct - I said we were. |
| Kurt: | And that we definitely were reporting. |
| Wolfie: | No, I said we were, but I'm lying now. |
| Kurt: | Therefore, logically, your statement about lying exactly 50% of the time ... |
| Wolfie: | ... Could have been a lie. |
| Kurt: | Damn! |
| Oracle: | Gentlemen ... |
| Kurt: | Okay, this one's really going to work. You definitely lie sometimes. |
| Wolfie: | I am obliged to tell the truth for an undisclosed part of the time, I'll grant you that. |
| Kurt: | So if I were to ask you if we're the Paradox Police, and then I repeat your answer verbatim ... |
| Wolfie: | Ah, I can see where this is heading ... |
| Kurt: | ... Then I can force you into being a full-time liar, like I am not! Ahah! Gotcha, ya little squirt! |
| Wolfie: | Not necessarily ... |
| Kurt: | Have too! Have too! Admit it! |
| Wolfie: | ... Since this scenario would require you to be telling the truth when you say you're going to repeat everything I say. |
| Kurt: | Damn! Blast! I hate you! |
| Wolfie: | He loves me really. |
| Oracle: | Yes thank you, gentlemen, I am truly enjoying your double act and at least one of these statements is false. Now, could you turn your attention to this email from a supplicant? |
| Wolfie: | Certainly! Could you repeat it for us? |
| Oracle: | That's a very tempting suggestion, but just read it for now. |
| Kurt: | Sure thing! There's nothing I like better than reading paradoxical email messages ... |
| Wolfie: | ... Unless it be a ham sandwich ... |
| Kurt: | ... Because, obviously, a ham sandwich is better than nothing. Hmm, this is a nasty one ... |
| Wolfie: | Is there such a secret code, by the way? |
| Oracle: | Yes, but I can't tell it to you, otherwise it wouldn't be secret. |
| Wolfie: | There are no flies on you. |
| Kurt: | Nobody's smarter than the Oracle. |
| Wolfie: | Good point! Well, Sir, there's your solution. |
| Oracle: | What? |
| Wolfie: | The supplicant shouldn't be asking you, he should ask nobody, since nobody is a higher authority than yourself. |
| Oracle: | You mean, like, he should ask his question in an empty room? |
| Kurt: | Exactly. Or he could ask Al Gore, who's a nobody in my book. |
| Oracle: | Sounds good to me. But isn't some kind of punishment in order? He did try to trap me, after all. |
| Kurt: | Absolutely not! |
| Wolfie: | As my partner says, absolutely! |
| Oracle: | How about if I ZOT him on some day between today and Saturday next, but don't tell him which day so it'll come as a surprise? |
| Kurt: | Ah no, that won't work. |
| Oracle: | It won't? |
| Kurt: | No. Everybody thinks there's no paradox there, but in fact there is. |
| Wolfie: | Hang on, if everybody thinks there's no paradox, then you do too. |
| Kurt: | Good point. Okay, everybody thinks there's no paradox there, but Al Gore knows there is. Because, as Al Gore will tell you, if Saturday arrives and the supplicant still hasn't been ZOTted, he'll be expecting it then and it won't be a surprise. |
| Wolfie: | Therefore he knows you won't ZOT him Saturday, so Friday is the last day you can ZOT him and surprise him. |
| Kurt: | But when Friday arrives and he still hasn't been ZOTted ... |
| Wolfie: | You can see the problem, can't you? There's no way you can ZOT him at any time and surprise him. |
| Kurt: | So he's perfectly safe. |
| <<<<<<<< ZOT! >>>>>>>> | |
| Oracle: | What do you think? Was he surprised? |
| Wolfie: | Absolutely. |
| Kurt: | Not in the least. |
| Wolfie: | Oh, shut up. |
| Kurt: | Ham sandwich, anyone? |
9.
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
|
> Oracle, I have selected the finest fruits from my cherimoya orchard and > now set them before you as a tribute. Oracle, your Just Wisdom is known > from sea to sea, from mt. top to mt. top, from abyss to abyss. Please > hear my question and give answer as you see fit. > > Do any of the Deities do sub-contracting? |
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
| As far as I'm aware, all of them do. Being omnipotent doesn't mean you've got time to do everything at once, you know, so they tend to share the load around. Here, let me give you an example. | |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
...Back to Zadoc Home Page.